On Adult ADHD

Driving back from the evening exercise class I teach, I’m feeling more scared than relieved to finally get home. Will the house be destroyed after I’ve been gone a mere two hours? Will my daughter be bathed and ready for bed, or wide awake, covered in spaghetti? When I’m not home, these are often the things I wonder about — because my husband has a problem. Or should I say, our family does.

The man I married is a 28-year-old, hardworking father of one. He is kind and considerate and one of the most generous people you could ever hope to meet. I’m the lucky person that gets to call him my husband. But he also has severe Attention-deficit Hyperactivity Disorder — ADHD for short — and this has led to challenges in our family that we’re still learning to face.

Continue reading... 

Yes, Over-Medicalization of Childbirth is REAL.

I recently wrote a piece entitled “Why I’ll Never HaveAnother Hospital Birth” which detailed my experience when having my first baby three years ago. It was a long time coming for me, writing it, that is. I always knew I’d have to put into words what happened which I had strongly felt impeded on my rights and took away my ability to birth my child the way I felt I was able, having had no complications. But for a long time, I couldn’t even talk about it without getting angry. And it wasn’t until I started talking (and reading) that I realized how many women were sharing in a strikingly similar experience to mine. The growing trend of “over-medicalization” during child birth was no longer a myth. It was real. It had happened to me, to women I knew- even one acquaintance who is a doctor herself.

Admittedly, I wasn’t as prepared as I should have been going in. I was twenty-four and having my first baby. I chose a well-known and respected Baltimore hospital, generally spoken of as one of Maryland’s “best.” It is also where I was born- where twenty-seven years ago, my mother was allowed to have an V-BAC. I should have researched the facts more fully because strangely, this hospital seems to have gone in the other direction. But what I also didn’t realize is that if I wanted a natural birth, I had to come into my birthing experience playing defense if this was where I wanted to do it. I very wrongly thought there would be some level of support to avoid unnecessary interventions that could actually worsen my labor and lengthen my recovery, not the other way around. I was largely unaware to what had seemingly been going on for years in certain hospitals and why wouldn’t I be? I was having my first baby. Not my third, not my eighth. My first. 

While I knew there would be some controversy over this piece, maybe by some doctors who were saying, “hey, not all hospitals are like this!” which is undoubtedly true, I didn’t realize the large discussion it would spark. After all, I had had conversations with seemingly endless people about near identical circumstances. Patients who went into the hospital planning for a natural birth, but after being told they had to stay put, lay in bed, their labors became much more difficult to manage things and things seemed to spiral into a series of unwanted interventions, often resulting in epidurals and c-sections. And it seemed to me, that the women I’ve spoken with, or read their stories, felt had they been given the freedom to move about and deal with their labors in the way that felt most natural to them, they could have likely avoided those interventions and enjoyed quicker recoveries and a more natural experience overall.

But after my story was published, it seemed to me that many people were not aware in the slightest that this was even happening. Some commenting that this must be an awful hospital and it was my fault. But unfortunately, this story is not unique. So here are the facts. In recent years, the levels of c-sections and unnecessary interventions have risen immensely. In 2009, nearly one third of all hospital births were cesarean sections and a study by the University of Wisconsin-Madison's School of Medicine and Public Health found that 29 percent of these c-sections were performed not because of the patients need, but because of the hospitals malpractices concerns. (http://www.med.wisc.edu/news-events/amish-community-sees-reduced-c-section-births/39385) Last year, HealthGrades also published a study which showed c-section rates in the U.S. at an all-time high. (https://www.cpmhealthgrades.com/CPM/assets/File/HealthGrades2011ObstetricsandGynecologyinAmericanHospitalsReport.pdf)  It also proved that if all hospitals from 2007 through 2009 had performed at a “5‐star rating” by providing proper care and support to laboring mothers, “32% (or 141,869) single live delivery complications could have been potentially prevented.” That’s a huge number. Huge. Not to mention the rates of scheduled inductions, often times before a child’s actual due date, which has become typical, as well. And after seeing this, the March of Dimes even felt compelled to put out an advisory, urging women not to “rush your child’s birthdate” when there is no medical need for an induction.

In my mind, the problem is with the rate at which these invasive procedures are happening. Interventions should be seen as a last resort, not the quick fix to difficulties arising from poor care or to make things more convenient for your doctor. The care should be taken to prevent them from happening in the first place. Having a women lie in bed, flat on her back shouldn’t be the go-to position for a laboring woman or anyone’s “hospital policy.” And how can hospitals, who deliver thousands of babies each year, not know how to provide proper care? It makes you (or me, I guess) wonder if some don’t knowingly contain pregnant women to dictate their deliveries because it makes it easier for them and more expensive for you. Think about it this way, if you labor at home in your bath tub, you don’t pay anyone. Except maybe the plumber (and hopefully, a trained professional like a doula). I’m not telling you to do that, but the point is if you labor in a hospital and receive two or three unwanted procedures, you pay the doctor a heavily inflated sum whether you needed those procedures or not.

What also struck me about the comments to this piece, were that people seemed unaware that giving birth in an alternative setting, as the piece suggested I would do if I had another baby, would ever be considered a safe option. Some commenters suggested I was “scaring” women into having home-births and thus, risking their lives. But the truth is doulas and midwives are trained professionals who have the skills and techniques to assist a laboring woman, possibly better than anyone. A study by the Journal of Perinatal Education (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1595013/#citeref1) suggested doula support as a strategy for decreasing rates of cesarean sections. In the U.S. this is becoming a more common practice given many women’s growing discomfort with overly medicated hospital births. And the levels of complications arising out of home-births, or birthing centers with a certified doula or midwife present are extremely low.  According to DONA (Doulas of North America) numerous studies have found that the presence of doulas results in shorter labors with fewer complications, such as the need for pitocin, forceps, vacuum extraction and cesareans. In addition to attending to medical needs, patients also “have less negative feelings about one’s childbirth experience” such as the kinds of feelings I referred to in my previous article. But many women are turning to this option and I have to say, given my experience and these facts, I’m all for it.

The fact is, this is a reality and it’s happening every day. We shouldn’t turn a blind eye to avoid questioning hospital practices. Even to women who feel they have done the proper research and know their rights going in are often coming out feeling as if they were intimidated into having a certain kind of birth. We are trained to listen to doctors when they ask us to do something and in most cases, that’s a good thing. But we shouldn’t be taught to fear the worst and allow our rights to be taken away because of that fear. We should be able to give birth in a hospital, any upstanding hospital, and expect to be given options that are safe but also that we are comfortable with. If it is our wish to give birth with little intervention, and that is at all possible, that choice should be supported.

Does Parenthood Make You More Resentful? For me... CHYEAH.

In my experience as a mother, I’ve found myself resenting the hell out of people, questions, attitudes, and total idiots, much more than I ever did in my pre-baby life and I know I’m not the only one. I don’t think resenting your children should go hand-in-hand with parenting. But I do think that childrearing opens the floodgates for judgment and criticism and it is not always easy to shrug off or avoid altogether. If we aren’t armed in the thickest of skins, we can find ourselves feeling like we’re fighting an uphill battle just to live how we see fit.

Read more: http://www.mommyish.com/2012/11/27/being-a-parent/#ixzz2DTX1REWQ

Accepting the chaos...

The post-partum period is made up of late nights and early mornings and what felt to me like a whole lot of waiting; waiting for the incessant crying to melt away and some small bit of sanity to return, and praying for a moment of peace. While eventually babies do learn to self-soothe, few other things actually ever calm down because each milestone also brings new and often times, more difficult and consuming challenges. The fact is, the chaos lives on and if you want peace, you have to create it for yourself. Daily struggles are ever-present and the sooner you realize that the madness won’t vanish once your child hits a certain age, the more blissful your parenting journey will be. A word of advice? Stop fighting it!

Here are six signs that you’ve accepted the chaos that goes hand-in-hand with parenting (and always will):

Continue reading... 

love, not fear

some kind of shift has been happening. it's been hard for me to write about it since i'm not quite sure what it is, but i know it's one i'm trying to embrace. lately, i've felt like what i need to do is all around me. like i've been stuck for a while and now i have all the answers which really is just one- keep going. 

piper starting preschool i'm sure has had something to do with the shift. it's be wonderful and freeing and stressful and sometimes hard. she's only gone two and a half hours and by the time i get home, do a bit of work, it's time to drive back, walk down to the children's garden and get a huge hug that signifies i was missed, but not too much.

but it's been hard in a different way, just the getting used to it, i think. to know everything your child does in a day, every day, and then suddenly, to not. it's odd and it takes getting used to but the thing that makes it easier is that my baby was so completely ready to go and have this new time to be free (of me) in a way. 

basically what the start of preschool given me, aside from time to myself, is this kind of unspoken support. like, i'm not the only one anymore. if that makes sense. every week on monday, tuesday and wednesday mornings, there are these two amazing teachers and wonderful kids who are helping my daughter to learn, do, grow, in ways that i probably can't, because i'm her mother. i'm not removed in any way and i can't give her the distance that they can. it feels good to let go in a way. it's part of the process and it's important and it's good. but it is strange finding this new beat and learning to walk to it. for piper, too, but we are learning it together. 

as a mother, no matter how ingrained certain things were in me, i've learned somehow to fight them when i needed to. not to parent out of fear being the most important. if you're always anxious about what could, might, maybe, possibly happen, about what people think, about being a perfect parent how can you instill the things that are really, truly important. you aren't living in the moment, you're living in fear. you're really living in the future.  

i am trying to carve out this new way and it's happening. i can let go, i can shake it off, laugh more off. i can see the bigger picture more clearly and let my child be free because i'm letting myself be more free and ignoring all the other voices. i also find myself coming back to myself more now. my old ambitions are growing stronger again. things that started to fade out, writing, this blog, new clients, i'm wanting to do more and more. i was doing too much listening before. listening to other peoples opinions. i know what i want now and letting my daughter explore, fall down, get scraped, get hurt, do for herself. it's what makes us self-sufficient. it's what makes a confident child, a brave human-being, a free spirit. 

poster child

the longer i walk on the planet, the more i learn about becoming my "authentic self." it's the hardest thing to do in a world that pushes and pulls you and tries to influence you at every turn. wear this, do this, be this. it's worse for children with their minds so ready to absorb and it's why we learn to protect them while we can and stay rooted in what we believe.

if you have hopes for your children, you can't throw them out the minute it gets difficult to protect them. you can't just give up on what you believe because someone doesn't agree. if you do that, what are you teaching your child anyway?

outside forces make it harder. well meaning people make it harder. having a child means you not only learn more about yourself and what you believe but you become a billboard for everything you believe, as well. your child is the poster for everything you think is good or want to stay away from and the world is not good at embracing what is different, often times. people struggle to listen when things stray from their personal comfort zones. your parenting choices, that should be only for you to make become a battle. the clothes, schools, toys you pick for your child are a voice you don't always want but learn to wear proudly.

but the more battles we fight, the stronger we become and the more rooted in our beliefs.

Getting Your Toddler to Eat (Healthy!)

How your kids are eating (or not eating) can be a huge cause of stress for parents, especially during the toddler years. Thrown food, dumped plates and the old “gag n’ puke” from an unfamiliar vegetable are not uncommon occurrences during most meals. Though it can bring a lot of added anxiety to the dinner table, pickiness is not an excuse to let your child’s nutrition fall by the wayside. What they eat affects how they feel, play, sleep, and how their bodies function. So, there are few things more important than making sure your young child is getting enough of the right stuff.

Here are a few things that have worked for my family over the past few years:

Continue reading...